Oh No!!!! April’s Coming!!!

This week, my heart is full of sorrow. Pain, fear, sad, sick and all those ‘jiwa kacau’. April is coming. Just around the corner. I dunno how to describe the pain, pain that nobody can’t share with me. April, August and December. These three months which gave me bad memory.

Aiseh!!! Asyik cakap omputeh jer…..Cakap melayu la pulak! 3 April 2006, genap 9 tahun Alang pergi. Hampir seabad tapi aku masih lagi terkenang kan dia. Disember ni pun sama. Adik pergi tinggalkan aku. Ya, Effa Nadira Zuraina. Aku susah sikit panggil kwn2 pompuan aku yg lain dgn nama adik, sebab pada aku, panggilan adik tu hanya untuk dia. Setiap kali, aku dilanda masalah, atau aku rasa sedih, aku rindukan pelukan hangat dia. Susahkan aku ni. Tempat diaorg susah sangat aku nak ganti dengan orang lain.

Isnin lepas, Aku dapat call. call dari umah. ingatkan mak yang call. Salam aku dijawab dengan suara lelaki. "Achik, apa khabar?" Ya, suara tu menyebabkan aku menangis hampir semalaman.Andak datang cari aku kat umah.Mak pegang amanah aku, tak bagi no aku dengan orang lain.Andak kesal, kenapa selama ni aku tak pernah cuba hubungi ibu. Dalam diam-diam, dia selalu view aku. Walaupun aku tak tahu melalui siapa.Aku jarang bukak siapa yang view aku. spi blog ni pun dia baca. Ibu sedih kerana aku sedih. Ya ibu tahu penderitaan dan kekacauan jiwa ini.Maaf ibu,achik tak mampu berhadapan dengan ibu.

Andak, deritanya sama seperti aku. Tak mampu melupakan adik.Aku tahu dia yang yang saban hari menjaga adik dulu. Dan dia juga yang berada di sisi adik semasa dia pergi. Panggilannya kali ini untuk mengulangi lamarannya, tapi dia kecewa bila mengetahui aku sudah dimiliki.Juga berita yang disampaikan, dia akan ke Qatar. Bekerja dengan syarikat Malaysia di sana.

Emm….nampaknya aku memang akan terus tinggal sorang. Azmir ngan Razifah dah kahwin. Duduk kat Sudan atau Jordan (aku pun tak pasti).Tinggal aku sorang-sorang kat sini. Memang takdir.Tapi, aku bersyukur kerana kenangan dengan mereka, semuanya manis.

Bercakap pasal friendship……Aku tak berapa gemar nak bercakap pasal ni. Tapi, bagi aku, persahabatan sesuatu yang abstrak.Susah untuk ditafsirkan. Terpulang pada masing-masing.Aku jenis loyal….Tapi orang yang selalu tikam aku dari belakang.Aku pernah bersusah payah demi seorang kawan, tapi orang tu yang sebarkan fitnah pasal aku. Sekarang, dalam hidup, hanya beberapa orang yang benar-benar aku panggil sahabat.Yang lain…errr….kawan. Kawan dan sahabat, sama maksud tapi berbeza makna. Pandai-pandaila korang fahamkan. Tapi, dalam hidup aku, sahabat yang aku boleh fikirkan (buat masa aku tulis blog ni) 4 orang. Sasa n Ila, Linda n Shida. Lagi 3 orang……ermm…..aku tak ingat. Mungkin lepas aku jumpa, baru aku blh recall. Aku tak nak citer apa yang diaorang dah buat untuk aku…..Banyak sangat.Tapi yang pasti, aku sayang korang!!!

Kaylah. Dah banyak benda jiwang aku tulis ni. Just nak citer sikit….. Komputer aku kena virus.Oh No!!!my precious computer. Aku tak percaya!!!!Selalunya aku memang jaga n amik precaution, tapi akhirnya kena jugak!!!! GERAMMNYERR!!!!!!!!Sasa, aku nak gigit ko. Nasib baik ko tolong aku wat assignment tadi. Takdela aku geram sangat. Tapi, sekarang ni virus kat komputer dah pelik2.Habis damage fail2 aku. Takpela.Nak wat camner. Anyway adik…..thanx sebab sudi dengar kakak awak meraban semalam. Dah nak nangis sebenarnya tu.

Hey! Zackk……Enough!.Ko dah tulis panjang giler. Peningla saper yang baca. Lain kali laa………..

I’m back to norm!

Yesterday, i went to see my beloved cousin. Borrowing his bag, anime and asking him to install dvd in comp. Hmm… I really sad nowadays. My mp3 is having problem. That goddamn mp3, stuck from playing songs. Hey! I cant live without it. It quite damn bored life.

But, within sadness, still have something that lightened me up. ‘Someone’ that i didn’t imagine that would be my brother(adopted).Hahaha! How funny. Dah lama tak ada adik angkat camni.

Might be, as I told earlier, his face, similar to alang. Still, deep inside my heart, it make me suffer. Suffer coz i missed him so much. Every time when i looked in the mirror, i just see adik. it’s not achik. I know, i’ve changed, changed to her. But, who cares. As long as I’m happy, and people think i’m happy. Other than that, its not their business.

Anyway, i’m back to my normal life. My body still aches every where. Doing my routine, called my beloved everyday. And some times, i would go to movie with anyone who willingly to go with me. Nothing change and i’m happy coz being normal and still alive.

Hey!!!!What the heck that i’m babbling now????Just ignore me coz this is Zack!

Sakitnya Kakiku!!

Assalammualaikum!!!

I’m just came back from Jerai Quest. It’s more harder than Kinabalu. And i’m not as tough as ten years ago. Badan dah sakit-sakit. But, the thing that make me mad is, masa pertandingan, komander-komander sumer lari tinggalkan pelatih. Isk!!! kalaula ada pelatih yang injured(memang ada pun), saper nak jaga.Tahu la awak nak menang, tapi ingatla tanggungjawab masing2.I’m really mad with them!!!

Though, the thing that i like most when i was at the programe is when i’m looking 2 one of my junior, i feel that i’m looking to arwah alang.But i was frustracted because i cant feel his presence at all. Not like when i was with my beloved. This make me feel very lonely. I dunno why, but, i miss both them very much. Looking to ‘him’, makes me suffer……suffer to loneliness. Please, alang. I need to feel ur presence, to make me feel strong, to live. I miss u so much, coz u r my strenght, my spirit and my life.That is how i continue my life. And 4 my beloved, thanx 4 ur support. I know ur always with me when i need u.

I know now that i’m getting old. Hey, its not that old. I’m just 24. But my body is getting weak and weaker. As i mentioned, i’m not tough anymore. My body ached, and my leg……..Ya ALLAH!! sakitnya.rasa cam otot-otot cam dah koyak.Tabahkan aku,Ya RABBUL A’LAMIN. Kerana aku masih mahu meneruskan minatku. Minat untuk mencari ketenangan di gunung-gunung, melihat keindahan ciptaanMu dan menginsafi betapa kerdilnya diri ini.

Tuhan, tabahkan hatiku!!!

Last week, i met someone. someone that i hope that i would never ever met, that i think that she is my nightmare. I never want to hate her, but what she has done to me is very unforgiveable. I try to avoid, but unfortunately, she recognised me.

"Achik!!!" I love that name, but not from her. She gave me live in hell 6 years ago.  While in school, she’s the one who stabbed behind my back!She’s the one who make my life misserable when in school. And she’s the one who spread rumours about me when in school.

People would see her as an angle. With a kind face, and her shy attitude, others would think that she is a perfect girl. A model 4 ‘perempuan melayu terakhir’. But the fact is, she’s a bitch. And now, that person is trying to ask for my help. What kind of help, let it be my secret.

That’s life. With guts, she dare to ask for my help.From a person that she stabbed behind, the person that she nearly killed from being a human. But, i won’t help her. neither i would care for her, though if she nearly die! Not because i’m cruel, but i wouldn’t let the person who nearly destroyed my life bother me again.

Sorry bitch! Achik that you know 6 years ago, is already die. A new achik has reborn, and this achik is more stubborn and more mean than what u imagine. I won’t let you to interrupt my life again and don’t ever hope that i would never meet u. Because, you are the worst bitch, devil who lives behind a human skin!!!!